I was trying to log into this blog, have been forgetting my passwords for the umpteenth time, as always. I tracked back the number of e-mail Ids I had, and for the silliest memories I have, I made an attempt to recover some too... futile... I gasped at the list of email Ids I lost access to, or I never used even once, after creation, for I cannot remember passwords.
Lest, I logged into this one successfully :), to blog my musings about this musical show, MTV Coke studio, that lifted my spirits. Shanky is TOO GOOD. Idly at home, pondering over what should my priorities have been, to have avoided some situations... this was a treat. When I thought priorities, it decisively turned out to be "I". Being a Jack of trades, and expecting to be taken care of, than taking care of myself, I let health lose somewhere, rather everywhere. The only sincere piece of advice, rather a pleading request I carry is "Take care of yourself".
All this while, in the past, having time, always meant giving it to the others, and not having it meant, trying to make time, or simply remember to oneself, the good souls and wish them a great life. But not that anymore. Having time, means taking care of myself, and simply remember to wish goodness to everyone around and not so around.
But I did not get selfish, I did try reaching out to some good old friends. No responses or strange responses, glad responses, and bonding responses. Of those to left, I said to myself with a contended smile, "things do change and the charm of a relationship does get lost, nevertheless I tried :)". It did hurt for coldness, but I don't regret, as I turned my back on many and everything else for long, balancing the act of focussing on, "MY LIFE" .... And I am happy to be where I am today!
The best of my friends' are those who know me too well. One said "You are like a butterfly, happy to help and always on the move, finding those who need your presence, wearing a mask, hiding yourself, not ready to depend on anyone, you are always there, yet lonely within and hence I cannot expect to hold on to you, for it would hurt your smiles and block your goals of helping others succeed in their success". I always remember that there is someone who captured me picture perfect. No more to ask for, and it stands by me all my life.
To some this may seem insincere a friend, and to some unrelaible... who I also call childish and immature. I have to say.. if you who carry a wrath or wriggle, has to heal your life, be sincere to yourself, connect to your inner self, express boldly than disguise. For unexpressed, and unaddressed thoughts make one anonymous to self, and say, "Its my way or high way". With no pretext to notes, a philosopher, I write.... One can always be sincere to itself, first, by being honest and bold !!
At the fist of it, I tried to think of names or people, to whom i have been insincere to, and my consience says, "NONE", SO BOLDLY !! The melancholy poet, rose again, to speak. Hurt, is a relative term. Emotions too, are thoughts manufatured, and manifested at our own will. So, I willingly let go of all.
And to myself, I say, I hope, not to cause insincere experiences to people. I stopped committing to friendships new, for, I already found my treasure, the best I have. I let go of all who cared not to wait and watch, with all the space in this world. Being called someone's friend, and accepting someone as a friend, are two different things. I call very few, my friends. I will always call them my friends, irrespective of what they think of me :) .. For they are my greatest strength !
No new names would appear than those who made me write these blogs and be remembered on these pages.... They alone are my friends, for they would know my reasons and behaviour, untold, They, who confront, correct and communicate. I am glad, I can bask in the glory of their memories, support, prayers and existence. A friend of mine, simply said, "You can't be good to all .. all the time.... And being sincere to 'whom' , is also your choice". I know, he was right, and I chose my family and friends for it. I abide by it. Dedicating this time for anonymity, is only to comfort a soul so hurt, myself. For, I intended, never to hurt none!
What goes, comes around :) ... and I am not walking far to deduce..
A passer by spake, I reckon melancholy, but not faces it hide!
To who who lunge, dream possession, comes it not of yen in hide
Chastity sought demeanors perceptions, who live agile a life
Arrangements and lives happen not together, unless divine a strife
For who who lie on wounded ways, and tried to woo or wade,
I slit through courage swindles many. Thus, goodriddance I bade!
To malady, I toast, a loathing life, of trust, fulfillment, and deeds well done,
Of a man I belong, august a self, to love and live, to who I am the only one!
This me is not it is isn't? unbothered, unconquered, sublime and submitted!
To the world so comely, of people and presence I am gifted to befitted
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